Not Worthy Of A Title

This blog is not worthy of a title, because I don't what I could really title it. I'm sad, angry, crushed, and the list goes on...but I just don't want to put a title on it. What I have to say really sucks and is far from the happy joy filled blogs I normally write.

This morning I was at work when the office phone rang and the name of my doctor's office came across the screen. They called me at work. At work. This could only mean one thing in my mind. I picked up and the nurse practioner that checked me out was on the line, she informed me that my HGC levels had continued to drop, but slowly rather than rapidly. This in their minds would indicate a ectopic pregnancy rather than a miscarriage. This would also explain the pain I felt last Friday. They said they would recheck my levels once again on Monday, but that they would most likely be terminating the pregnancy at that point. All the hope that I was still holding onto at that point was crushed. This baby is not going to make it and there is nothing I can do about it. What filled my heart with joy a few days ago has now filled it with sadness. I know that lots of women go through things like this everyday, but I never thought it would happen to me.

So with that said, I wish I could at least have a day to mourn my loss, but I can't because I'm at work and someone already called off sick, so I'm stuck here to just suck it up. It's pretty hard putting on a smile and talking to customers when I feel so crummy inside. But I guess I will do what I have to do. Brett and I will get through this and we'll try again some day. Thank you everyone for all of your support. It's been more of a help than you probably realize.

This Is What Faith Is For

Let me just start this off by saying one thing. I am a completely open book when it comes to my life and I don't keep much to myself. I believe in sharing the good with the bad and letting people know when life doesn't always treat you fairly. With that said, I hope that gives some kind of explanation to those that may think I shouldn't be sharing this. Now, here we go.

When I went to the hospital on Friday night and found out I was pregnant, I was completely shocked but have come to really embrace the idea of having another baby. I have actually become very excited. The blood work they did on Friday showed my hCG level (pregnancy hormone) at 89. In a healthy, normal pregnancy this count should double every 48 hours. So I had another count done on Monday and am going back today to have yet another count done to see what the levels look like.

This afternoon I got the call to make sure I was coming in for more blood work and I grilled the girl about what my count was on Monday and that's when she informed me it was 64. Devastating. My faith tells me to keep holding onto hope that everything will work out the way God wants it to. But what God and I want, may be two different things. A drop or lack of increase in the hCG count could indicate an ectopic pregnancy or be a sign that I should anticipate a miscarriage. I am trying to think positive, that maybe the count was wrong on Friday, but I will know something more tomorrow. Please keep me and my family in your prayers as we were not anticipating any of this.

Why Waste Any Time?

So this past Friday was one for the record books. It was a very stressful day due to me having to let someone at work go and overall just wasn't that great. So my stomach was in knots the entire day and when I got home it didn't ease up much. But at about 7:15 pm as I was just getting done with dinner, I had a horrible pain in my left kidney area. I ran to the bathroom and fell to my knees in pain and then noticed some blood. So I immediately thought it was a kidney stone and after making a call to my mom, decided I should go to the hospital. This pain was like no other pain I've ever felt. It was worse then labor pain!! We dropped Carter at the neighbors' house and booked it to the hospital.

I went to the hospital by my work, because they are known for their fast ER and I was checked right in. Of course they had me take a urine sample and hooked me up to an IV to get some pain meds in me. They had decided they needed to do a CAT scan, but were going to do some blood work first. About 30 mins later, the nurse comes back in, pulls up a seat and just stares at me. Her expression said "I've got some news for you", I just had no idea what it was. That's when she informed us that my pregnancy test came back positive. Whaaaaaaaaaa?! That's impossible! I just had my period a week ago! And TRUST ME, that's impossible! Well I guess it's not, cause I was definitely pregnant. Note to all...conception can happen the VERY day right before your period. I am proof.

So they cancelled the CAT scan and looked closer at my blood work. My pregnancy count was only 89, which either means they had caught the pregnancy very early on (ummmm...yes, i think that's the case) or the pregnancy may be abnormal. It was too soon to do an ultrasound, but they urged me to go to the OBGYN as soon as I could and have them check me out. The kidney pain I was feeling subsided with the pain meds and never returned all weekend.

So now I am left wondering what happened. Did I really have a kidney stone and it possibly stopped moving, so the pain went away? Or is there something wrong with the pregnancy? I guess we'll find out when I go to the doctor this afternoon. At this point, I'm just praying everything is okay. I'm also praying that God gives me the strength and patience to take care of two babies!! Oh my gosh!!! I mean, Brett and I weren't exactly being the most careful, but we had just decided we were going to get back on BC and wait a while. Haha! I guess God had other plans. Even though we weren't expecting this, we are very excited! I'm excited about staying healthier and in better shape this pregnancy. No more gaining 50 lbs!!

Let's hope for a girl!!!

If I Die Young

The Band Perry - If I Die Young
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Pancake Head - No Longer

That's right, my son used to be somewhat of a pancake head, but as of today he is not that any longer. He went for his 4th helmet check (about 5 months) today and the doctor gave us the great news that he doesn't have to wear it anymore. He said he looked great and will continue to round out a little more on his own, but the helmet has done its job. YAY!!! We were so excited. Except now I have to actually watch him real close to make sure he doesn't whack that little noggin on everything. It's been a little journey and now we're finished with it.

I know that sometimes it's a little hard on my heart when Carter has these tiny little battles in his life, but it's nothing compared to what he could be facing. Over the weekend my high school youth pastor's niece passed away from cancer at the age of 5, when just 10 weeks ago she was a normal, happy, healthy little girl. It's things like that, that make you really check yourself about what you're complaining about. Maybe Carter has had to go to several specialists for various issues since his birth, but nothing we have faced has been something that wasn't fixable. The doctors that Ava went to couldn't fix her, so God took her home. I can't even imagine going through that with my child. I may never understand why things like that happen, but I know that I will shut my mouth about the little stuff and give Carter lots and lots of hugs and kisses everyday, because you never know when life can be torn away from you.

As for now we will celebrate Carter's helmet coming off and pray for a family that has had to face the unthinkable. God Bless all the little children and the people that love them.